I am not the man I need to be
and this weighs heavy on my heart...
Being not sure of what it is
or what I need, sends me running fast after nothing...
Moments of desperate longing filled with selfish wants,
leaves me more empty then before...
I can see the future and that makes me scream...
Lacking,
Needing,
Skipping forward, I at last give into the fact I can't...
Remember, I have been there.
And you have not...

Answering the Call...

I long to take up arms,
to bear the cross.
To raise my voice in eloquence,
burning the hearts of men.

With thunder and with silence,
bring forth goodness and joy.
To plant my flag on a victorious field of battle.
And die with the sound of bravery in my ears.

Yet I have chosen shallow waters
and spurn the depths.
I hide in shadow while other take the field.
Slowly dieing to the sound of fear.

Longing and dreams, only let you see what you have missed.
Action is what is required now.
To find my armor and sword and shield.
And answer the call to battle, before the chance is gone...

Easy for you...

I have stepped closer then I should have.

(Or maybe not close enough?)
To this thing called love...

It seems so easy for you.

Wanting it so badly that I skipped forward to the end.
Rushing backwards into all of the counterfeits of yesterday.
Longing for what is so simply denied me...

It seems so easy for you.

In amazing complications of traditions and regulations,
I fell victim to the past of strangers.
Like an impostor dressed in the pants of others...

It seems so easy for you.

I have seen it reflected in the eyes of lovers.
I have felt it in hot and sudden moments.
I dream of it, even as I scoff at it...

It seems so easy for you.

Molded, as I was by voices from a past I didn't ask for.
Conformed to a concept I could never understand.
Left to a wanting that was alien and yet so my own...

It seems so easy for you.

Liberated but always doubting.
Set free to wander into chains of my own making.
Seeing it happen to others and wondering why I fail?

It seems so easy for you.

So I wait and wait and wait.
So afraid to fail, that I do nothing but sit in silence.
Watching as other find the love that hides from me...

It seems so easy for you.

So I will dance once again with this longing.
Or maybe I won't.
The edge is so close and the fall is so far...

It seems so easy,
easy for you...

Waiting for the Now...

Now? And then its gone...

I stand in movement till I fall,
that's just how it goes...

Time, being as it is...
Moves, and moves again.
(Stopping it is not an option.)

The reality of this is that I have the now.
To make do with as I see fit.

My past is dead.
My future yet undefined.
By dwelling in the past I play with bones...
By dreaming of the future I dance off the cliff in front of me...

The sun is setting, should I see the moon?

By focusing on the now I become one with what is here.
By being here I can see the sun.
And as the sun finally sets, at last I see the moon.
And she is real...

Times Little Joke On Me....

It dragged me along.
I didn't want to go.
I grab, I hold, I scream...

I stare backwards,
longing for what was.
Or maybe wanting to cover what I wronged...

But pulled forward I go.
There is no choice.
There is no escape...

Pretending it doesn't happen.
I often can I pull that off?
The duct tape will not hold, so I move...

The lies I tell myself become just that.
Lies...
I trip over them on my journey on...

The fight? So pointless, yet I do it anyway.
The "tick tock" sounds like thunder in my ears.
And I know that time has moved me again...