Him And Me

Stepping as I was towards sanity,
I found him blocking my path.
This person so filled with doubt and anger.
His refusal to move left me bewildered
and at a lose of what to do...

"Where do you think you are going",
He said with venom dripping from his voice.
I smiled and waited in silence.
Not really knowing what to do...

We have meet before.
Him and me,
so many times I have lost count.
For every step I take in the right direction,
he finds me and attempts to pull me off my path.

"You know, you will never get to where you
want to be!" He screams with clenched fists.
I smile still and move forward and attempt
to step around him.

"I am only being honest with you." He says
trying to sound like he cares.
I pat him on the shoulder and walk past.
I can hear him crying as I move forward.

I know he will reappear at a later date.
But till then, I will move onwards,
leaving that part of me behind...

Madness Of Others

The sun has set
    and as I wait, the Moon will not rise.
So...
    Sitting in the darkness I reflect
 on that to long
   I have feasted on the Madness of others.
 In a attempt to fill my own emptyness,
    I have let hunger,
          (Blessed by lonelyness)
Lead me into the table of the insane...

Yet, maybe I have always feasted here?

Sitting here, in self induced exile as
   the starving fool,
I indulge in the anguish of others.
   So in foolishness I stuff  myself with the
disillusion of those who crave chaos.

At the crossroads I stand waiting...

It's my hunger that brought me here.
   Longing for substance that will offer a filling
that will leave me more empty
   then I was before...

I Called...

I called...

You answered.

(Which was kind of you, 

being that it was past one in the morning.)

Wrapped in pain and confusion, 

I need a voice of comfort.

And you came to mind.

Even enfolded within your own anguish

you took time to listen to 

my ramblings and rants.

Forgetting your own soul crushing pain...
Your heart was open and healing.
With brilliance spoken in sleepy tones,
you shared your wisdom and wit.
(Making me feel less of a fool)

There is an ocean of time,
a friendship built on caring and disaster.
That now our blood is blended,
making us family.
Admittedly this is all how it should be.
You have shared so much.
I hope that I have done as much.

So with the possibility of hope I ended
my call to you.
And smiled, knowing that once again
that you have saved my
heart and soul.
And go forth to be stronger...
So that when you have need,
I too can answer the late night call.
And save you in turn...


For Alicia, who knows my soul.
(All to well)

Hears My Call

The moon was setting and Orion hung there in judgement.

So I put on my shoes.

I attempted all the escapes of past decadence.

but nothing seemed to sooth the loneliness that burned.

Unknown to all,I emptied the jar and walked...

Standing at the crossroads I make an offering.

Sealing my fate.

Clinging to the hope that She who hears, is listening

hears my call...
Nothing else seemed to work.

So leaps of faith feels right.

At least for now...

Touched by the madness that stalks me,

I trust a sinking moon 

and throw kisses to stars that mock me...

Pain As Clues

Today was "going to therapy" day.
I dread this.
I need this.
So I put on my happy face and go...

His door is open,
so in I go.
He's not in the room, so I sit down and wait.
The urge to bolt hangs on me,
like old heavy dusty curtains.
But I white knuckle it and stay.

He comes in with his calming presence
and smiles.
(Sometimes I find that painful.)
He asks me questions.
I, in turn, answer as honestly as I can...

It's a prosess I know.
Hating it and wanting it all in the same breath.
The Darkness that lingers in my soul,
has once again grown.
It blots out my Sun and Moon.
Even the stars have faded.

We talk.
I cry.
And then we talk some more...
We decide to try something new.
I feel like I am weak,
and tell him so.
He tells me I am strong enough to
keep trying to find my Joy.
I cry some more.

This is the prosess.
Each time I try to learn more about me.
To see the pain as clues.
The past as lessons.
My sorrows as stepping stones
 to a bright new day...

So my hour is up.
I dry my tears as I make my next appointment.
I make my promise to try this
new approach to my illness.
And then out the door I go...

I find myself smiling as I leave.
As much as I hate going in,
it is a good thing I do.
For here in the dark I go to find some light.
Some hope.
Some peace.
Proving to myself, I am stronger then I thought...

I Blame My Grandma Blake...

So I have this problem...
I speak my mind,
its this family trait.
I blame my Grandma Blake (aka Greenland, now)
She was the first person to truly value my opinion.
Even if she totally disagreed with what I said.
The AMAZING thing is we all have concepts,
ideas, 
beliefs,
and wisdom's that make me rethink what I know...
I have a HUGE family.
Lucky, I am to be part of community of blood
that feeds this need...
LDS folk make up most.
There are free thinking Christians.
A few Atheists...
Then me the Pagan...
I have sisters who know more then I do.
That are more then happy to challenge what I believe!
(Forever grateful I am for that.)
Reevaluation of what I believe is always good...
It makes me think,
and review...
and see and look for truth and honesty.
BUT!
Allowed to speak my mind is a 
family trait!
And I thank all the Gods and Goddesses for that!

Doing Nothing

In response to my many questions,

the wind answers me

 with silence.

My thoughts are now my own.

In this stillness I sit wondering,

staring at the pools in front of me,

yet 

doing nothing.

This, of course is my favorite trap.

I fall into it often.

It is my reassurance that all

is the same...

The Gods I saw dancing 

in my dreams

have vanished like birds in distant sky.

Leaving me only wanting more.

This is a death of degrees...

And still the breeze speaks to me of nothing

and leaves me empty once more.

I look deep into the pools 

and see the unanswering wind move across them.

Yet nothing stirs from the depths.

I throw stones of pain

in hopes of breaking the surface.

But I see them 

skip across landing on the rocky shores.

Nothing has changed.

So I stand on the banks of these pools

with the silent wind at my back.

The reflection of what I am stares back at me

in hard reality.

All of my weaknesses play across the cold surface

stripping my defenses

till I stand naked...

All of this

and still I am wondering at the 

why's and how's?

So, once again I revert to my favorite

past time.

Doing nothing at all...

After This Moment

     The sun had risen and blessed the day.  As we shared a view of the valley of dreams, sitting beneath the pine and firs.  "You have the Wisdom of a tree, my friend.", he said as the smoke rose in the southern sky.

    I smiled and said, "Thank-you".  Then I rose from the sacred ground to get a better view of the smoke.  I watched as it slowly disappeared, as if it was never there in the first place. Suddenly I felt silence and regret hanging in the wind and I turned to see tears in his eyes.  "You are Leaving...?"

      "Yes."

       "Will I see you again?", I asked.  He looked at me, our thoughts and souls touched.

      "How long have we been?", then he turned and looked right into the sun and said. "How long do we have after this moment?"  Then he turned and looked towards the south and saw the smoke return. "We will see other again, for we have forever.  And my child, forever is a really long time."

       And so we parted for a time, both knowing that the sun and the smoke would rise again...

Being At The Falls

 

Upon the mountains of Fate, I beheld the wonders of time

and the Forces of Nature.

It was here that I heard the voice 

of Divinity amongst the roar of water

and stone...

                               All of this,

and more plays somewhere

in the depths of my

mind and soul...

(The words I write now are 

but sad echoes of the visions I had

in a times now gone,)

In darkened mist and icy water,

I stood alone.

The stream pierced both stone and heart

on it's escape to nowhere.

The pull of gravity lead both

water and I

down the side of the mountain.

This is friendship...

The law says everything will change.

I am not excluded.

There in the Temple of Earth, Water 

and Mist,

I have witnessed the Truth of the 

trees and the wind.

Who I was

and who I am

are no longer the same.

Shaped, as I was by forces out of my control...

I became my own truth,

searching for the ways that lead to the

seas and oceans of Wisdom and Grace.

The hole my Truth pours through,

stands now 

as a monument 

to who I am 

and what I will finally become.

And there in the mist,

alone,

I changed.

And only the rocks, trees and water knew.