Can I still hold you....

The daughter crawled into my lap and demanded cookies. You see, she is like that some times. And I gave into her demands. Sometimes I am like that....
Its a balancing act on my part.
As a parent, I live in fear of the day that she no longer will do that....
When hanging out with friends, being on the phone, going away to school, all those thing that I (and others) have been preparing her for at last become real.
Already there is new and fantastic worlds opening up to her, and luckily I have been able to show her some of them.
But soon she will start to find her own way, her own paths to follow....
And I will be somewhere behind....
Don't get me wrong, this is what I want for her. To be her own person and to go out into the world, changing it as she goes.
I just want the promise that there will still be days that I can hold you,
and get you your cookies....

Really?

It is almost painful
this wanting....
But yet I still do
why?

Wanting....

You see.... there is this need I have?
I want your love but not your time.
IT SCARES ME...
the emptiness is easy, just fill...
but only for a moment
then
go....
I wish it could be something else,
something simple....
but complicated I am.
so sex will do....

Thank you

"I love you guys!!" I just wanted to say that.... You see there is this fantastic and amazzing group of family and friends that the Gods and Goddess have blessed me with.... Oh you know who you are.... and some times I feel unworthy of such love BUT then there is you "GUYS" that remind me of my own worth.... SO today I say THANK YOU!!!! (I am still here)

Looking...

You see I am looking for something....
What was it again?
I say its love, but not so sure anymore....
If that was what I really wanted, why go out of my way to avoid it?
Trapped, I am, in a web of my own making.
The honesty I seek eludes me.
so....
I keep doing the same.

I was Wishing....

So there, and yet not..... I can see you
but
where are you???
I was promised someone who cares?
Yet....
it slips and fades
so I wait . . . .
Knowing Love is never wrong....
and always worth the risk?

Collecting the pieces....

well.... (I wrote a bunch of silly worthless words here, but typed over it) The lesson of today is to live and learn.... That is all we really can do.... And that there are times when we do things that are truly not the brightest of plans. But every now and then I do have to ask myself.... "Really, what were you thinking?"

Feeling Darkly....

There was this place, you see.
Empty now it is...
It held the life, it held the hope, it held so much.
Burned...
Blackened...
Dark...
I have stood in its center, feeling its loss.
Filth and ash call it home.
And one visit was enough to know its pain.

Driven inward by forces of confusion and inner turmoil.
Held by shackles of tradition and chains of repeated pattern.
To break free, reproductive and addicting freedom.
To stay, peaceful hell.

Jell-o???

So the child and I made jello.

Now this seemed to be an easy thing to do but, it was a strange conflict of wanting her to be independant and a parents fear of a small child and boiling water. You see... I want her to be one of those people who can do it her self. But then am terrified that she will...
After 8 amaZZing years of watching her become herself, I am reminded that the more I teach her the less she will need me. And yet, once again this is really what I want her to be. It is my hope and prayer that she grows into being just like her mother and/or her aunts M and K. Those women that know what they want and how to get it. Yet have hearts full of compassion and are not always thinking of themselves.
So at last here I am watching right over her shoulder as she carefully stirs the jello, proud once again of her abilitys and her independance.

Oh, small one... The things we teach each other....

Suddenly silent....

You see.... For all your wanting and needing, you still stand empty in the dawn. It was always there? You just feared it so much, it slipped you by....

True, some failed you....
Yet others were true, but you chose to believe her lies....
And whose fault is that?

By treading through falsehoods you at last made them real. By coming up short, you proved it to be true.... broken and lost you moved, or didn't it seems.

But it waits, oh how it waits....
Take it, it's yours.

Ah, today.... Its really all we have! Yesterday is no more, it has passed into the ether.... Tomorrow is yet a dream, untouchable, unknowable....
So it is with the NOW that I must work.
Making each moment my own.

Oh Gods..... Where did I put my keys?????

I WON"T ACCEPT....

I greet reality and I am answered by the negative.
Such is the way of refusal.
I am.
Killing creativity and denying the forces of its existence.
"Do you follow me, or yourselves?", he asks, "Do you really have a choice?"
And they answer by following him.
Such is their way.
I will follow my own reality, my own creativity and will become my own reason for living.
I will not bow to him who carries the rod.
For he is a lie and I won't accept.

Dancing with Shiva.... or at least it seems. In this game of cosmic comedy the rules, forever change. (or maybe they don't?) Who really knows....
Agni lights the way with his fires of passion and promise. In his light, all is as it seems. Even Yama has purpose in this light of lights.
Stepping into the hands of Vishnu, all is preserved. Kali can not touch us here. Even Mara, with all his lies and false visions is powerless to harm us.
And even as the light of Agni passes and Ratri comes with her shroud of night, all is well. Under her blessed moon we are protected.
In time with the heavens, the dance of life continues.... Shiva takes, and Shiva gives. This is the lesson that he teaches. Brahma sounds the beginning of the age and the holy changes come.... and the dance of life and death goes on.
The sound of OM reverbreates through the skies and all that is answers the holy noise. The life that is and the life that was and the life that will be, are all called into question by Shiva's dancing.
The gift of karma awaits us all.
Dancing with Shiva has its price.... and you pay with your heart and soul. But the gifts he brings are worth any cost....

And So It Begins...

SO, and here it is.... I am running to get there, not sure where it is?? The sister thought this might be a great idea to throw my insanity across the internet so others might be subjected to it also.... And there you have it.
The fragments of my time here will be bold and twisted, sad and painful, loved and wanting, but there even might be joy.... Slipping as it is, towards something yet undefined, I wait and watch and write....
Then again she maybe right after all....