Following Alice...

I moved forward...
Into?
Never am to sure.

Like Alice in a wonderland, I move.
Chasing my own white rabbit...

Knee deep in the mud that slows the movement.
And only hearing the voices of the Mad Hatter and his friends.
I dance once more...

Then there is silence...

Awake? Or dreaming once again...
Never can be to sure of that.
Like cats in windows, there and gone...

Knowing the Queen of hearts may come.
Not sure if to run or play, I move backwards.
While the cat's smile dances in the shadows...

I never have been one for visions.
Or dreams of color and or light.
But chasing rabbits and fighting Queens is now a way of life.

Drink me...

I Must Confess...

I feel I must confess...
I still chase butterflies if I think no one is watching.
I hide my crayons.
I like playing dress-up and stomping in puddles.
I daydream of dragons, wizards and elves.
I will skip rocks at the lake and try to count the stars.
I still build sand castles
I watch cartoons and have the Disney movies memorized.
I let go of the balloon just to watch it fly.
I play hide and seek with the cats.
I have been know to eat cake and cookies for breakfast.
I dance when I am alone...

The grown up in me shudders at all of this,
and I hide it from others...
Yet, I find the the child within is stronger
and will have his way.
So now I make no more excuses.
Then write it for all to see.
And pick up my colored chalk and skip off into the day...

In My Dream...

Paw to paw, in my dream we were.
The lion and the lioness.
In the dark of night we killed for pleasure, we loved for sport.
Yet that was ages ago on a African plain long forgotten.
Different lives we lived then, you and I.
But oh, how I would love to hunt with you again.
If not in this life then, well maybe in the next...

She Always Comes Alone...

I sit across that table from her and listen to her laugh. We do this often. Maybe once to often. She only comes when there is no one else, and she always comes alone. Her humor is cold and has an icy edge to it. She cuts deep into my heart, enjoying the sound of silent screams.

She leans across the table and asks, "Why don't you ever kiss me?" Then she leans back in her chair and smiles. She lights a cigarette, takes three puffs and then puts it out. She smiles again. "Well...." she says.

I just smile back. She knows why and I know that she knows. She laughs, as to say she know I know. So at least we both know. She is honest, I'll give her that. But most of the time she is just to honest to deal with. She also can be very redundant, she will harp on the same thing over and over. "Why did those people spend time with you anyway?" She asks as she reaches for another cigarette.

"Do you have to smoke?" I ask.

"I have to have something to pass the time when I am with you." She lights the smoke and breathes in deep. Then she frowns. "You've been seeing others, haven't you!" This is not a question, but an accusation.

"Yes." Is all I have to say.

"They will never be as faithful as I have been." She states.

And I answer. "No. probable not."

"Kiss me." She says again with a smile. This time it is I who laugh. She acts like she is hurt, but I know better. Not much could hurt her, or touch her for that matter. She is impervious to harm. Plus, I am all to aware that to kiss her would mean my demise. I look into her eyes and see the emptiness that waits for me there. I tremble at the thought. I see her smile again.

"Someday, you will kiss me." Once again this not a question but a statement of fact. She crushes the cigarette into the ashtray as to give sentence meaning.

So we sit here at this table, playing this game. We do it all the time. And she is right, someday I will kiss her. Knowing that it will end the misery and the pain. That it will end the game and the waiting. But until then I will as Ms. Loneliness to leave and to take her cigarettes with her.

Meeting Spring On Her First Day....

She comes through the white door.
All light and dew...
Her smile is the dawn and her eyes shine with hope.
She offers me her hand and I take it.
We walk into the day...
"You've been cruel to my sister." She says with laughter in her step.
I try to speak but she cuts me off.
"As cold as she might be, my sister winter has her place."
"Sorry, I will try harder next time she comes" I say.
She sounds of growing grass and feels like the songs of birds as she replies.
"You lie, but it's alright she isn't very fond of you either."
She dances forward, spinning upon the ground.
The smell of longer days and change emanates from her.
You can almost hear the sound of rain and thunder as her feet touch the ground.
I stand in awe and reverence as the earth responds to her arrival...
It seems so long since last I saw her.
I had almost forgotten the joy she brings...
"Well silly? Are you going to just stand there staring?"
She grabs my hand and moves me forward...
"Life is waiting, so lets go!"
And as the flowers bloom,
I dance forward hand in hand
with her who ended the cold.

Crossroads

It seems we see things differently,
I said with a smile.
Yes, was all the you could muster up.
We have had this talk before.
And before and before...
I twist and turn along a path unseen.
Yours is but a straight line from A to B.
Yet, as the years pass we seem to meet somewhere in the middle.
Roads of concrete, set in lines safety and responsibility.
Compared to...
Wandering trails marked by tree and bush, by longing and mystery.
I will give you this...
With you I know where I am going.
But, the adventure of what I can not see around the corner calls.
And my wanderlust demands I seek and find.
So back and forth we go...
Your call is just as strong.
But as long as we can meet once again at these crossroads of joy and friendship,
then all is full of love...

Such a Painful Way...

She runs in tiredness till she sleeps of movement.
I die too!
In the end it's all the same isn't it?
She walks in such a painful way that no one cares to ask her how or why.
I, in turn fill the void left by those who cry.
Standing still we make love to nothing.
In this stillness she dances and I echo in her silence.
And the emptiness stands waiting, once again.
We love those who love the way we are...

And why Kenn uses 3 dots...

Lacking...
Or so it seems.
Do I say that to much?
(Yes, you do.)
Well, so you say...
(And for the love of God, stop with extra ...s)
What?
(You heard me!)
But I like that, it sets me apart.
...
...
(OK, if your going to be weird about it.)
It's not weird, it a symbol.
(...?)
It is! Its unique...
(What ever.)
Your just jealous you didn't think of it.
(You do remember your talking to yourself, right?)
Oh ya, but its still cool.
(Cool?)
Lets just go with unique, ok?
(OK...)
Thanks...

Heeding the Call

The buzzing comes from behind my ears.
Almost a ringing, a call...
Something wants me,
but I never know for sure who or what it is...

This longing trips me up,
and sends me out looking for more...
Discontent and yearning,
like an angry bee that has no hive.

What is it that I am suppose to do?
Where is it I was going?
This thing I need to do,
this want I need to fill more then anything...

Fear that it's this...
Fear that it's that...
Wanting, oh so wanting of it unseen.
Searching, the call has not been answered.

So out into the world to find the unfindable.
To heed the call of the unknowable.
Feeding a longing I can't understand.
Waiting for an answer that I will never find...

Punching my way...

It ends here!
It ends now!
I am punching through it!

Lies...
Told to me by others,
told to me by myself.
Told and told again, till that is all I hear
screaming in my dreams.

Formed out of the violence and fear
given freely by those who were
suppose to nurture.
Formed out of the falsehoods
of those who said they spoke for God.
Formed out of being used and sold
for so little...

All this molded and folded me
into something other then myself.
Pushed and prodded,
in an attempt to make me fit.
I came to hate the normal and the accepted.

I am punching through it!

So many foolish things done
in the name of finding.
So many mistakes done in the name of hiding.
I turned and ran smiling into the arms
everything that numbs and silences.

Struggling in self loathing,
warring in loneliness,
fighting in silence.

I am punching through it!

So...
Under my skin the anger
burns and builds.

Finally the ability to pretend is gone
and I am left with a life
I need to change or die.

To fight each of the lies and falsehoods
told me by others and myself.
But like the hydra,
I defeat one only to find
that there are but 3 more in its place.

I am punching through it!

But fighting is all I have left.
Standing still only slips me closer
to disaster.

Do not speak to me of darkness,
for it is from here that I see out
into the light.
Speak not of fear,
for it is now all I have left to push me forward
into hope.

For me,
the legends and myths of
peace and joy
still hold their appeal.

For I am not as broken
as they say...

And in the end I will find my way
to the place I long to be.

It ends here!
It ends now!
I am punching my way through it!!!

I Step Forward...

The sun is shining and lights my way.
Forward, it seems.
I lost my way for a time...
(OK, for quite awhile.)
But each step now seems lighter then the last.
Dropping from me is weight of the past.
Falling around me like rain...
Granted this is just today,
tomorrow might be dark and cloudy...
But for today I step forward.
I see the sun.
And move somewhere into joy...

Being doomed

I moved freely,
or at least it seemed that way.
This being at easy with destruction.
The tearing apart seems so simple,
what really do I have to build?
I wander from disaster to disaster trying to find a meaning.
Only to find that life is not so simple.
I long for all the wrong things,
and hide from the struggles that might being joy.
This being as it is, dooms me to more of the same.
And so it is what it is.

As Winter is Broken...

Tempest,
flash and thunder...
Rain, instead of snow.
Oh how your hold has slipped...

Greens,
buds of new...
Life, rising and growing.
Winter's power fades as Father sun grows strong once more...

Songs,
of birds greeting morn...
Signs of joy and life.
Snap, and broken is the back of she who is cold...

Raging,
sun and ice...
Sister Spring smiles.
As Winter stomps her feet for the last few times...

Turning,
nature's wheel of Life...
And the ice begins to melt.
The tulips show them selves and Winter hides her face at last...