She Always Comes Alone...

I sit across that table from her and listen to her laugh. We do this often. Maybe once to often. She only comes when there is no one else, and she always comes alone. Her humor is cold and has an icy edge to it. She cuts deep into my heart, enjoying the sound of silent screams.

She leans across the table and asks, "Why don't you ever kiss me?" Then she leans back in her chair and smiles. She lights a cigarette, takes three puffs and then puts it out. She smiles again. "Well...." she says.

I just smile back. She knows why and I know that she knows. She laughs, as to say she know I know. So at least we both know. She is honest, I'll give her that. But most of the time she is just to honest to deal with. She also can be very redundant, she will harp on the same thing over and over. "Why did those people spend time with you anyway?" She asks as she reaches for another cigarette.

"Do you have to smoke?" I ask.

"I have to have something to pass the time when I am with you." She lights the smoke and breathes in deep. Then she frowns. "You've been seeing others, haven't you!" This is not a question, but an accusation.

"Yes." Is all I have to say.

"They will never be as faithful as I have been." She states.

And I answer. "No. probable not."

"Kiss me." She says again with a smile. This time it is I who laugh. She acts like she is hurt, but I know better. Not much could hurt her, or touch her for that matter. She is impervious to harm. Plus, I am all to aware that to kiss her would mean my demise. I look into her eyes and see the emptiness that waits for me there. I tremble at the thought. I see her smile again.

"Someday, you will kiss me." Once again this not a question but a statement of fact. She crushes the cigarette into the ashtray as to give sentence meaning.

So we sit here at this table, playing this game. We do it all the time. And she is right, someday I will kiss her. Knowing that it will end the misery and the pain. That it will end the game and the waiting. But until then I will as Ms. Loneliness to leave and to take her cigarettes with her.