Justify My Heart...

Wondering at my thinking and dwelling on my thoughts...
Giving up on understanding why?
Maybe that should be my first course of action...

Yet that's such a cowards way out
or no real way at all...

So I dance again the waltz of self discovery,
to find the lost parts missing from my soul.
To explain my actions and justify my heart...

I stumble and fall and jump up once again.
Moving forward is a angry must.
Standing still moves me no where and going back is pain...

Frustrated by the way that getting one answer
only leads me to 7 more questions...

Yet in the travel there is wisdom found along with sorrow.
These missing parts complete me and give me hope.
They break the walls and stir the pot.
Laughing as I cry, I add them to the mix and become more of who I am...

So the hunt continues as I seek the missing.
Reminding myself that it is I that I am looking for.
And there is no one better to do the job...

Trying to do as Grandma would do...

I need to let it pass now...

My youth is gone.
And its OK...

I am wiser and smarter then I was yesterday...
(At least I think I am.)
Childhood gives way to wisdom and acceptance.

Not that I am just giving in.
I fight it all the way.
But there is joy in becoming the elder...
And pain...

But those who have gone before have left a beautiful path!
And in her steps I will walk.
She who is wise and strong has marked the way well.
The road marks are clear and bright.
And I can smell the Joy she has left along the way....

I am because of her..
So thanks must be given.

And so the wheel turns and time marches on.
I am to make the most of what is.
That is what she would do!
And Grandma I will try and be as you are...

Seeing forward...

There was then...
And then there is now!
How quickly life can change...

I was young once but not so much now.
Innocence was something spoken.
Now its passed and there no such creature...

But all as it is.
That is all there is.
Now is a must...
To pretend other wise is foolish...

I Can't Rewind...

Skipping forward and falling back.
Said it before
yet
There it is again...

Haunted by the fact I can't rewind.
Like a photo you didn't want taken
or
mistakenly stepping in the concrete.
There it is...

20/20 is the hindsight.
Wishing it was not.
Seeing at the last I was scared or lazy to be at my all.

There was more I didn't take.
Full plate left only half eaten.
Left with 2nd guessing at my motives.
Left with only 1/2 a plate...

and left with Now...

Learning from my yesterdays or excepting more the same.
Pulling courage out or sliding into scared comfort.
Stepping up and being more!
or
holding fast to that which fails...

So, in hope I step into today a new.
Scared as hell and afraid of what it brings.
But knowing that sameness will bring the past.
And I dread more of the same...