Trying to do as Grandma would do...

I need to let it pass now...

My youth is gone.
And its OK...

I am wiser and smarter then I was yesterday...
(At least I think I am.)
Childhood gives way to wisdom and acceptance.

Not that I am just giving in.
I fight it all the way.
But there is joy in becoming the elder...
And pain...

But those who have gone before have left a beautiful path!
And in her steps I will walk.
She who is wise and strong has marked the way well.
The road marks are clear and bright.
And I can smell the Joy she has left along the way....

I am because of her..
So thanks must be given.

And so the wheel turns and time marches on.
I am to make the most of what is.
That is what she would do!
And Grandma I will try and be as you are...

Seeing forward...

There was then...
And then there is now!
How quickly life can change...

I was young once but not so much now.
Innocence was something spoken.
Now its passed and there no such creature...

But all as it is.
That is all there is.
Now is a must...
To pretend other wise is foolish...

I Can't Rewind...

Skipping forward and falling back.
Said it before
yet
There it is again...

Haunted by the fact I can't rewind.
Like a photo you didn't want taken
or
mistakenly stepping in the concrete.
There it is...

20/20 is the hindsight.
Wishing it was not.
Seeing at the last I was scared or lazy to be at my all.

There was more I didn't take.
Full plate left only half eaten.
Left with 2nd guessing at my motives.
Left with only 1/2 a plate...

and left with Now...

Learning from my yesterdays or excepting more the same.
Pulling courage out or sliding into scared comfort.
Stepping up and being more!
or
holding fast to that which fails...

So, in hope I step into today a new.
Scared as hell and afraid of what it brings.
But knowing that sameness will bring the past.
And I dread more of the same...

Her Cold!

I hate her...
Winter, and today it snowed!
Mockingly she she smiles as to say how beautiful the snow fall is.
Knowing all along that I despise her cold!

She laughs, this is her time.
And I can not.
It just is...

The wheel turns and all is as it should be, but...
I tremble in her cold.
And shiver in her might.

At last I bow and give into her cold...

This is not by chance.
For Gods sake it is January anyway.
So I layer up and cope with She who is way too COLD!

Ways and Means....

I can feel my pulse.
So after all is said, I guess I am still alive...

Not morbid, this longing to understand my insanity.
Just a need to clarify.
You see...
Craziness runs deep here in my neck of the woods.
I come by it honestly.

So...
In silence I listen to the voices.
(Not the ones in my head, their nuts!)
The others in my world, who share...
Those who gently prod and push me towards hope.
And maybe joy...

Longing to come to an understanding of the ways and means of all I do.
I feast upon your logic and wisdom.
Shared with caring and love.

You will never grasp how much it means.
How sane it keeps me.
So I give thanks and slip into the silence so I can listen once more...

Feeling the Pull....

There was a twisting you see.
Something more than yesterday...
I fall, yet have no where to land!

Wait...
I've done this before.

Logically, I have have fixated upon that which I feared the most.
Gravity has pulled me here.
Or was it longing?
I can never tell...

But the feeling is stronger now...
This wanting and need.
It pulls and tugs until denying it seems ludicrous.
So down I go...

Having pretended that it's not a need has failed.
Apparent, that has become.
So all is left is the falling and excepting the inevitable...

Trusting in the fall will have to do for now.
It's all I have.
That and the hope that landing will be all it's cracked up to be...

Fear of Falling...

Stepping into chaos,
and skipping to the Left.
I am not the same...

(Maybe I never was...)

My longings merge to create a life of substance and passion.
Oh the things I was denied.
Being as I am, there was no where else to go?
Trapped by my wants and needs,
I stumble towards a sunrise...

But I fear the fall...

So
at last
I let go...

And become but a feather in the wind.
tumbling
falling
set free to be as all I was....

It is not as bad as it seemed.