Just Shuffled Once More...

The bells ring and call me forward into today.
Where it is I am going?
What ever is it that I am doing?

Unfulfilled...

Motion after motion and yet the whisper stays.
This voice of longing I can almost hear.
Telling me of more and less...
Of joy and sorrow...

Yet without a guide I wander lost.
Or so it seems...
But truly am I lost or just shuffled once again to where I need to be.

The unfulfillment of the now is called into question by my hope.
In all that I have built and all that I have loved.
And so I hear the voice and laugh into the wind...

First thing in the morning....

It creeps like a jackhammer...
The morning light into my room.
Assaulting me, dragging me from my sleep.
I fight to ignore but the dawn always wins...
I complain but in reality I welcome this.
Here is a new beginning, a brand new day.
Yesterdays defeats and failures are gone.
The slate is cleaned once more...
So I open my eyes and awake into the possibilities...

Angel dances...

So there I was broken...
And he was there with nothing but more of the same.
His pain and mine, oh my what a cocktail....
So maybe once more...
Last time was fantastic but unwanted!
The angel dances around not judging but what is that?
So the talking begins and ends.
I have to wonder why...
I have to believe that I want more then this.
But the reality of this evening crashes into all that is.
And I am left with the shattering of wanting more then I can ever have...

Following Alice...

I moved forward...
Into?
Never am to sure.

Like Alice in a wonderland, I move.
Chasing my own white rabbit...

Knee deep in the mud that slows the movement.
And only hearing the voices of the Mad Hatter and his friends.
I dance once more...

Then there is silence...

Awake? Or dreaming once again...
Never can be to sure of that.
Like cats in windows, there and gone...

Knowing the Queen of hearts may come.
Not sure if to run or play, I move backwards.
While the cat's smile dances in the shadows...

I never have been one for visions.
Or dreams of color and or light.
But chasing rabbits and fighting Queens is now a way of life.

Drink me...

I Must Confess...

I feel I must confess...
I still chase butterflies if I think no one is watching.
I hide my crayons.
I like playing dress-up and stomping in puddles.
I daydream of dragons, wizards and elves.
I will skip rocks at the lake and try to count the stars.
I still build sand castles
I watch cartoons and have the Disney movies memorized.
I let go of the balloon just to watch it fly.
I play hide and seek with the cats.
I have been know to eat cake and cookies for breakfast.
I dance when I am alone...

The grown up in me shudders at all of this,
and I hide it from others...
Yet, I find the the child within is stronger
and will have his way.
So now I make no more excuses.
Then write it for all to see.
And pick up my colored chalk and skip off into the day...

In My Dream...

Paw to paw, in my dream we were.
The lion and the lioness.
In the dark of night we killed for pleasure, we loved for sport.
Yet that was ages ago on a African plain long forgotten.
Different lives we lived then, you and I.
But oh, how I would love to hunt with you again.
If not in this life then, well maybe in the next...

She Always Comes Alone...

I sit across that table from her and listen to her laugh. We do this often. Maybe once to often. She only comes when there is no one else, and she always comes alone. Her humor is cold and has an icy edge to it. She cuts deep into my heart, enjoying the sound of silent screams.

She leans across the table and asks, "Why don't you ever kiss me?" Then she leans back in her chair and smiles. She lights a cigarette, takes three puffs and then puts it out. She smiles again. "Well...." she says.

I just smile back. She knows why and I know that she knows. She laughs, as to say she know I know. So at least we both know. She is honest, I'll give her that. But most of the time she is just to honest to deal with. She also can be very redundant, she will harp on the same thing over and over. "Why did those people spend time with you anyway?" She asks as she reaches for another cigarette.

"Do you have to smoke?" I ask.

"I have to have something to pass the time when I am with you." She lights the smoke and breathes in deep. Then she frowns. "You've been seeing others, haven't you!" This is not a question, but an accusation.

"Yes." Is all I have to say.

"They will never be as faithful as I have been." She states.

And I answer. "No. probable not."

"Kiss me." She says again with a smile. This time it is I who laugh. She acts like she is hurt, but I know better. Not much could hurt her, or touch her for that matter. She is impervious to harm. Plus, I am all to aware that to kiss her would mean my demise. I look into her eyes and see the emptiness that waits for me there. I tremble at the thought. I see her smile again.

"Someday, you will kiss me." Once again this not a question but a statement of fact. She crushes the cigarette into the ashtray as to give sentence meaning.

So we sit here at this table, playing this game. We do it all the time. And she is right, someday I will kiss her. Knowing that it will end the misery and the pain. That it will end the game and the waiting. But until then I will as Ms. Loneliness to leave and to take her cigarettes with her.