Not a Slave

It's painful and humbling, this sudden flash of knowing.
Not that I didn't know.
I just couldn't see...

All is at a stop as I turn to pick up the pieces.
So many things broken, so many things lost.
Haunted by a hunger and a want now denied...

They had been telling me for years now.
Those who know me best.
That this would destroy me.

Yet I refused to listen...
(I really didn't want to.)

And so I went from one disaster to another.
Slowly losing myself along the way.
There is no one to blame but myself.
And no one to fix it but me...

So I fell flat and broke apart once again.
But it was one time to many.
And as if by magic, all the thing that had been said were heard.

I am stronger then this weakening need.
I am more then what is in that glass.
I will be my own master and not a slave to it...

So after a long and terrifying run, I say good-by.
Stepping into a future of sobriety.
Scared as hell, yet hopeful all the same.
Picking up the pieces, shaking off the dust and stepping into life.

And look... The future awaits....

Yet I Fall....

Dazzled by the facts that surround me.
Unable to move.
I stumble into now the same as everyday.

They want more and more...

The truth of my relationship is ambiguous.
So much unwanted turmoil.
The pain and hurt comes to the surface once again.
Totally unwanted this emotion...

Wanting to be there.
Trying to be supportive but wanting to run.
First thought is of what was not.
Followed by anger and sorrow and lose...
Left with trying...

What is there now?
Can I but rise to the occasion?
Pushing over the pain and being there.
I have only this...

There is my own demons and they call.
It shares your voice.
But it is my own.
And so I heed the call...

So I still stumble.
And yet I fall.
But up again and moving forward...

Is all I have.

OK????????

This is the lie I tell myself...

Everything will be OK...

Yet on Sunday it wasn't.
Its kind of a set up and or trap.
I fall into again and again...

Forward and into the insanity I fall.
I was never asked if I could cope.
I am asked to deal, stack and shuffle.
And the cards are bad...

The reality sits, staring me in the face.
Asking once again to except this horror.
And I do.

It is what it is...

Set to wonder at my own failing.
Wishing I never caused those I love to hurt...

And there it is...
The sun has set and tomorrow is all most here.
And everything will be OK...

Summer Waves Good-By...

Morning comes late,
the night so much sooner.
And there is a chill in the air that wasn't here a week ago...

I know your out there,
waiting for your time.

Summer packs her wares and makes ready for her departure.
She does a little redecorating before she goes.
To make you feel welcome.
A cool breeze here and there
and just a splash of your colors to prepare the way.

Ms. Autumn makes her presence known.
And I look forward to her arrival.
The riot of colors that she brings.
The bounty that she shares,
gifts of plenty from her mother, the Earth.

She is waiting behind the dawn.
Along the mountain sides I can now see her work.
Summer waves good-by.
And Fall gathers her palette and takes the stage.

What The Moon Shared With Me...

Light as the breath of fireflies,
is the thoughts that rain down around my mind.
Sparkling and then gone.
I stand in awe of being and try to come to understanding.
Having danced with disaster I now waltz with joy.
At least for this moment...

The moon rises just to tell me of the pains of others.
That loneliness is a shared state.

Alone...
I stand like a tree surrounded by a forest of others.
She shines down on me,
and on you,
and on all of us.
And in her light she whispers her truths.

The wind passes along our hopes and sorrows...
From one to another.
I reach out and find your welcoming hand.
It was just there waiting for me to take it...
And then I know that the moon was right once again.

That I am not as alone as I feared...

Reminded Once Again...

I am more then what you have tried to make me into.
Yesterday is just that... Yesterday...
Your subtle softly said anger is still just that.
But still it cuts.
And yet,
I bleed slow.
And I heal quick...
With the deepest respect I understand all you say.
And take it to heart.
Reminded once again that with all my failures,
there are victories too...

Empty...

It was tailor made...
This hatred of myself!
Cut and trimmed by those who said they loved...
Anger feed by lost.
Confusion fueled by convention...
Is this what your faith had to offer?
I feel it is not so...
the LIES you told me have little to do with GOD?
But the sadness that you felt.
The anger you can not answer...
You left me empty..........................
with
a need to fill!
(But with what?)
So here I am a Man?
But empty as a boy...
Left to find the way you hid under.
Thanks so much!