Want and Need

So I was sitting there with myself.
OK, not the best of company but...
The ghosts of what I want and need are demanding attention!
I don't want to be alone anymore...
I watch some people find it.

and

I stand on the sidelines....
I am aware of the problems.
Me being me.
But...
The joy of me is that I am as I am...

Yet I wait for that which fulfills.
And my life is still so not like the movies...

So alone I move forward,
and trying to be ok with that...

I need to skip forward to the end,
and hope for the best....

What Else Is There?

The envy is heavy,
like lead...
or something more, but can't think....
Really?!?!?
I watch those who have found love. . . .

"what did I miss?"

Am I that sad...
or a waste?

Envy is tasteful and rich in my mouth....

I see ya bitch and moan at your lot...
but if you only knew that there are those of us...

Who would die
for
a minute
of
his eyes looking at me with love...

EMPTY

and waiting...

so I move on in the hope..........

what else is there?

And so the sun sets once again
and I survive...
not really wanting too...
Tasting envy
and wishing I was you....

Reason Gets Up And Leaves...

The dark wheels are spinning in his head,
making him disagree with everything including himself.
Reason is sitting to his left but he refuses to hear that.
I, as a voice of fellow confusion, seem to be more creditable.
At least for the moment...
The wheels spin and spin, the darkness growing and building upon its self.
Reason speaks once again,
it is not heard...
I don't think it can be.
The spinning of the wheels are just to loud.
In idleness there is nothing else to listen to.
In sitting still there is no where to go.
In giving in there is only more anger to feed the wheels...
Reason gets up and leaves, it wasn't being heard anyway.
So I try to sit with him who spins the wheels
and try to avoid the echo of the spinning in my head...

Did I blink?

It's like waiting for a bus that never comes.
Or maybe more like...
Waiting for food that you have ordered that never shows.
They tell me its coming.
Please be patient.
I know what it is I want.
Been hunting and looking for quite awhile now.
But never finding...
Am I in the wrong place?
Did I blink and miss it?
Are the gifts I bare, just not enough?
Is it me?
So I wait and wait and wait yet again.
In the hopes that maybe
just maybe...
That this next time it will be for me to have.

Just Shuffled Once More...

The bells ring and call me forward into today.
Where it is I am going?
What ever is it that I am doing?

Unfulfilled...

Motion after motion and yet the whisper stays.
This voice of longing I can almost hear.
Telling me of more and less...
Of joy and sorrow...

Yet without a guide I wander lost.
Or so it seems...
But truly am I lost or just shuffled once again to where I need to be.

The unfulfillment of the now is called into question by my hope.
In all that I have built and all that I have loved.
And so I hear the voice and laugh into the wind...

First thing in the morning....

It creeps like a jackhammer...
The morning light into my room.
Assaulting me, dragging me from my sleep.
I fight to ignore but the dawn always wins...
I complain but in reality I welcome this.
Here is a new beginning, a brand new day.
Yesterdays defeats and failures are gone.
The slate is cleaned once more...
So I open my eyes and awake into the possibilities...

Angel dances...

So there I was broken...
And he was there with nothing but more of the same.
His pain and mine, oh my what a cocktail....
So maybe once more...
Last time was fantastic but unwanted!
The angel dances around not judging but what is that?
So the talking begins and ends.
I have to wonder why...
I have to believe that I want more then this.
But the reality of this evening crashes into all that is.
And I am left with the shattering of wanting more then I can ever have...