Her Cold!

I hate her...
Winter, and today it snowed!
Mockingly she she smiles as to say how beautiful the snow fall is.
Knowing all along that I despise her cold!

She laughs, this is her time.
And I can not.
It just is...

The wheel turns and all is as it should be, but...
I tremble in her cold.
And shiver in her might.

At last I bow and give into her cold...

This is not by chance.
For Gods sake it is January anyway.
So I layer up and cope with She who is way too COLD!

Ways and Means....

I can feel my pulse.
So after all is said, I guess I am still alive...

Not morbid, this longing to understand my insanity.
Just a need to clarify.
You see...
Craziness runs deep here in my neck of the woods.
I come by it honestly.

So...
In silence I listen to the voices.
(Not the ones in my head, their nuts!)
The others in my world, who share...
Those who gently prod and push me towards hope.
And maybe joy...

Longing to come to an understanding of the ways and means of all I do.
I feast upon your logic and wisdom.
Shared with caring and love.

You will never grasp how much it means.
How sane it keeps me.
So I give thanks and slip into the silence so I can listen once more...

Feeling the Pull....

There was a twisting you see.
Something more than yesterday...
I fall, yet have no where to land!

Wait...
I've done this before.

Logically, I have have fixated upon that which I feared the most.
Gravity has pulled me here.
Or was it longing?
I can never tell...

But the feeling is stronger now...
This wanting and need.
It pulls and tugs until denying it seems ludicrous.
So down I go...

Having pretended that it's not a need has failed.
Apparent, that has become.
So all is left is the falling and excepting the inevitable...

Trusting in the fall will have to do for now.
It's all I have.
That and the hope that landing will be all it's cracked up to be...

Fear of Falling...

Stepping into chaos,
and skipping to the Left.
I am not the same...

(Maybe I never was...)

My longings merge to create a life of substance and passion.
Oh the things I was denied.
Being as I am, there was no where else to go?
Trapped by my wants and needs,
I stumble towards a sunrise...

But I fear the fall...

So
at last
I let go...

And become but a feather in the wind.
tumbling
falling
set free to be as all I was....

It is not as bad as it seemed.

Not a Slave

It's painful and humbling, this sudden flash of knowing.
Not that I didn't know.
I just couldn't see...

All is at a stop as I turn to pick up the pieces.
So many things broken, so many things lost.
Haunted by a hunger and a want now denied...

They had been telling me for years now.
Those who know me best.
That this would destroy me.

Yet I refused to listen...
(I really didn't want to.)

And so I went from one disaster to another.
Slowly losing myself along the way.
There is no one to blame but myself.
And no one to fix it but me...

So I fell flat and broke apart once again.
But it was one time to many.
And as if by magic, all the thing that had been said were heard.

I am stronger then this weakening need.
I am more then what is in that glass.
I will be my own master and not a slave to it...

So after a long and terrifying run, I say good-by.
Stepping into a future of sobriety.
Scared as hell, yet hopeful all the same.
Picking up the pieces, shaking off the dust and stepping into life.

And look... The future awaits....

Yet I Fall....

Dazzled by the facts that surround me.
Unable to move.
I stumble into now the same as everyday.

They want more and more...

The truth of my relationship is ambiguous.
So much unwanted turmoil.
The pain and hurt comes to the surface once again.
Totally unwanted this emotion...

Wanting to be there.
Trying to be supportive but wanting to run.
First thought is of what was not.
Followed by anger and sorrow and lose...
Left with trying...

What is there now?
Can I but rise to the occasion?
Pushing over the pain and being there.
I have only this...

There is my own demons and they call.
It shares your voice.
But it is my own.
And so I heed the call...

So I still stumble.
And yet I fall.
But up again and moving forward...

Is all I have.

OK????????

This is the lie I tell myself...

Everything will be OK...

Yet on Sunday it wasn't.
Its kind of a set up and or trap.
I fall into again and again...

Forward and into the insanity I fall.
I was never asked if I could cope.
I am asked to deal, stack and shuffle.
And the cards are bad...

The reality sits, staring me in the face.
Asking once again to except this horror.
And I do.

It is what it is...

Set to wonder at my own failing.
Wishing I never caused those I love to hurt...

And there it is...
The sun has set and tomorrow is all most here.
And everything will be OK...