What to do with Time?

The clock strikes and I find myself panicking again.
Mixed with a need to hurry,
filled with a want to relax...

I am getting older!

Every second of everyday, time moves me closer...
But to what?
As with all things of shadow and light,
I lack a balance to set things right...

I do to much.
I do to little.
I worry, I do to much.
I worry, I do to little...

The teen years are long gone.
(As well my 20's)
The 30's are missing now,
as I run screaming into my 40's...

Forward!
Unable to stop...
(But stopping means you've died, right?)
So given the choice I move on...

I have no fear of the end.
It will come...
I guess the fear is that I failed to make the most.
To do all that I can do.
To see all there is to see.
To Love all those that are there to Love...

And once again I seek my balance.
To do and to not do...
To run the hill but stop to see the view.
To create with Joy but take a moment to see it.
To Love, and love again...

And when the end does come,
to smile as I stop.
Knowing I have moved with Joy...

Sharp Like Scissors...

It has changed.
Somewhere and at sometime, it changed.
I lost you.
or you lost me...
Not really sure which it is?

I look back fondly at our shared past and smile.
The joy and passion that was there.
And yet...

The change came silently and sharp like scissors.
Cut, cut, cut...
And suddenly I know we are no longer.
Even the friendship has died...

The failure of our relationship has come and gone.
Dead...
And we did not even get to morn its passing.

The bond is broken.
The past done in.
The love and companionship is gone.
Yet no one knows....

There has been silence,
with quiet suffering but for no longer.
With tears and fear in my voice...

I announce the passing of our love.

Finished...

So there it was...
Finished
at long last... (I made this)
A thought,
some paint
and some time... (I made this)
The image comes
forth from somewhere else.
Thru me and into reality...
I MADE THIS!

Want and Need

So I was sitting there with myself.
OK, not the best of company but...
The ghosts of what I want and need are demanding attention!
I don't want to be alone anymore...
I watch some people find it.

and

I stand on the sidelines....
I am aware of the problems.
Me being me.
But...
The joy of me is that I am as I am...

Yet I wait for that which fulfills.
And my life is still so not like the movies...

So alone I move forward,
and trying to be ok with that...

I need to skip forward to the end,
and hope for the best....

What Else Is There?

The envy is heavy,
like lead...
or something more, but can't think....
Really?!?!?
I watch those who have found love. . . .

"what did I miss?"

Am I that sad...
or a waste?

Envy is tasteful and rich in my mouth....

I see ya bitch and moan at your lot...
but if you only knew that there are those of us...

Who would die
for
a minute
of
his eyes looking at me with love...

EMPTY

and waiting...

so I move on in the hope..........

what else is there?

And so the sun sets once again
and I survive...
not really wanting too...
Tasting envy
and wishing I was you....

Reason Gets Up And Leaves...

The dark wheels are spinning in his head,
making him disagree with everything including himself.
Reason is sitting to his left but he refuses to hear that.
I, as a voice of fellow confusion, seem to be more creditable.
At least for the moment...
The wheels spin and spin, the darkness growing and building upon its self.
Reason speaks once again,
it is not heard...
I don't think it can be.
The spinning of the wheels are just to loud.
In idleness there is nothing else to listen to.
In sitting still there is no where to go.
In giving in there is only more anger to feed the wheels...
Reason gets up and leaves, it wasn't being heard anyway.
So I try to sit with him who spins the wheels
and try to avoid the echo of the spinning in my head...

Did I blink?

It's like waiting for a bus that never comes.
Or maybe more like...
Waiting for food that you have ordered that never shows.
They tell me its coming.
Please be patient.
I know what it is I want.
Been hunting and looking for quite awhile now.
But never finding...
Am I in the wrong place?
Did I blink and miss it?
Are the gifts I bare, just not enough?
Is it me?
So I wait and wait and wait yet again.
In the hopes that maybe
just maybe...
That this next time it will be for me to have.